I will turn 49 in 2019 which means that for at least 40 years I have wanted to have a unshakable Faith. I remember waking up at 8 years old and being terrified because I realized someday I would die. Those nightmares still haunt me at night and the Great Unknown of what happens next.
In my younger days I would look at those with any type of religious faith wishing that I could feel that way and in the same moment think they were foolish for holding that faith. I didn’t understand how someone could look at the evidence for God or the lack their of and believe. I would always say something like i’m spiritual but not religious only to be mortified if someone found out that I wanted to believe but my brain wouldn’t listen to my heart.
Finding my way seemed an impossible task. Then in 2017 I took the steps I had been afraid to make for my entire life. What I discovered is I had always had faith. I just didn’t realize it.
I had faith that everything could be explained by science even though I had first hand experiences that contradicted this belief. In fact, I would constantly try to seek out things that science couldn’t explain but even when I found them my faith in science remained. Why? It was easier for my brain to except what I could prove. To have belief required a leap of faith. I had to have faith to gain true faith. I guess God does have a sense of humor.
Do I now have that unshakable faith that I’ve always wanted? No and I honestly doubt I ever will. However, it is not every day that I have to battle with my personal demons to remember what I believe and those days where I have to do battle are fewer and further in between. Maybe someday I’ll just accept all these blessing that God has brought into my life the last few years and how God continues to show his love.